The HEA
I’m a sucker for a Happily Ever After.
A Happily Ever After makes you feel good. Everything works out in the end, but better yet, you know right from the beginning that everything is going to work out in the end, so you can rest easy and enjoy the ride. This is why I find romances such a joy to read — by definition, a romance has to have a Happily Ever After.
But that’s not life in reality, is it?
Life is messy, complicated, and filled with uncertainty — a happy ending isn’t guaranteed and the outcome is uncertain. You don’t know and can’t predict what’s going to happen, how everything is going to turn out. It’s all well and good to hear about the stories where someone has triumphed over a great loss or overcome a devastating heartbreak or tackled insurmountable obstacles to achieve their goal, to reach their seemingly impossible dream, but you hardly ever hear about what it feels like for those people in the moments of fear and uncertainty, of worry and trepidation, of disappointment and devastation — the times where people’s stories are actually the most relatable
The irony is that I’ve mostly posted all the “good” things that have happened to me, that I’m writing this when part of my story (the health part) seems to have a happy ending (so far) / that I talk about my story having a happy ending, and seemingly can be neatly wrapped up and packaged with a bow tie – that it’s all over and '“wow, see? it all worked out in the end” and how I can write that as a triumph over evil, a crowning glory, a moment of triumph!
But that’s not my reality. That version of the story ignores and belittles all the feelings and moments and period of time that were hard and incredibly tough — dismisses those and sweeps it under the rug, failing to acknowledge that these bits are just as — if not equally or more important — as the ending. Because not everyone can relate to a happy ending. But everyone can relate to struggle and challenge.
I remember, back in the craziness of all the medical stuff happening, feeilng so incredibly frustrated (and feeling alone in my grief and anger and fear and pain) at the stories I was seeing (reading and listnieng) or at the articles and pharases that well-meaning family and friends were sharing and sending to me: of athletes like Suni Lee overcoming a mysterious and unknown kidney disease to win at the Olympics; of Noah Lyles overcoming his asthma to secure his title as the world’s fastest man at the 100M gold (okay this was pretty awesome to witness in person); of listening to podcasts of people talk about how they overcame their illness, battled cancer, and are now successfully in remission and “yay it all worked out in the end, all you need to do is believe and think good thoughts and have hope!”. But I didn’t want that. What I wanted was to hear and read about the moments of in-between, the moments where it was uncertain that they’d get a appy ending, where it really could go either way, where they might not get what they wanted, htey might not have the outcome they deserve. The phrase “everything happens for a reason”? Fuck. that. You tell that to someone who’s been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and told they only have weeks to live? To someone who’s been sexually assaulted? To someone whose loved one died and going through incredible amounts of grief and loss? It’s all well and good to have that perspective when everything works out in the end — but the reality is that we don’t always get the ending we want, let alone a happy ending.
I wanted to read about and hear from others who were in similar states of uncertainty, of not knowing if everything would turn out okay, because the reality is — you. don’t. know. Nothing is guaranteed. Wishing for a disease to magically go away doesn’t work (lol well funnily enough in my case it kind of did). A happily ever after, the beloved HEA, is never guaranteed.
The thing is, you can do all the right things, and still not get the outcome you want. Hell that’s basically this disease – it’s counterintuitive: the more you use your heart, the more likely the disease is to get triggered and progress — which, by the way, is the exact opposite of what all health advice tells you (exercise to strengthen your heart for increased cardiovascular and strength). You can do all the right things, yet still not get the outcome you want.
This isn’t to say that you should throw your hands up in the air and say “screw it!!” and do fuck all for your health and go on a self destructive ramapge. No, it’s to remind you to be a little less harsh and a little more gentle with yourself — that it’s not your fault if things don’t work out the way you want them to. Optimism = action + hope. And if things don’t work out the way you want, know that if you’re capable enough of getting to where you are now, then you’re sure as hell capable of pivoting to find another way and get creative to where you want to go — it’ll just be slightly painful and arduous along the way.
So with all of this, I’m finally sharing some posts I wrote back in the times of uncertainty, when I was in the middle of it all. The posts are shared in their raw form, unedited with the knowledge of the future, the knowledge that I have now. It’s to share — to prove — that you aren’t alone in your grief and uncertainty of whatever you’re dealing with. A happily ever after isn’t guaranteed but know that there are others out there, deep in the trenches, trying to make sense of it all — it may be lonely, but you are not alone.
~ ~ ~
If you’re interested in reading about my health journey, below is a current list of published posts, to be updated as I write more.
The start: Life, interrupted
The beginning: My daily dose of humor
The last race: Cheer Everywhere
Back in action: 🎉